Twilight Unhinged
by Evertwilight24
Summary: When Edward first meets Bella he's convinced that she is a demon girl sent from his own personal hell to destroy him. Will her aroma be his undoing, or will it be her hijinks?
1. Storm Brewing

Twilight Unhinged

Storm Brewing

**Seriously, this isn't me trying to infringe on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. This is me trying to chase my writer's block away. I just decided to share in the process.**

There was a storm on the horizon. For the first time, as I looked out over the frozen tundra I realized I'd made a mistake. I lay back staring up at the stars and all I saw staring back at me were two innocent brown eyes swimming with secrets. This storm was going to destroy me.

Isabella Marie Swan, or Bella as she insisted everyone call her, was the catalyst of this storm brewing within me. I fled my home, my family to get away from her; that was not the, aforementioned mistake. My mistake lie in coming here to seek my quietude.

"Oh, Eddie. There you are. Tanya has missed her sweet Eddiekins," she exclaimed as she pounced, trying to straddle me, but missing and landing with a knee to my jewel sack.

"EEEEK!" I shrieked like my brother Emmett when my sister Alice caught him using her favorite hat to pan for gold in the creek behind our house. I did not realize until that day a vampire's nipples were so sensitive or that they could actually turn purple.

That's right, my family and I are vampires. However back to the mistake for which I seek deliverance.

"TANYA! The fuck!"

"Oh, Eddiekins, I'm sorry. Let Tanya kiss it all better." She proceeds to yank at my belt buckle.

"NO!" I push her off of me to which Tanya chuckles hysterically. "What's the matter, baby? Did I give you blue balls? Bahahahahaha."

"Black and blue, you delusional hyena!"

I was going to kill Alice.


	2. Bat Out Of Hell

Bat Out Of Hell

**Seriously, this isn't me trying to infringe on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. This is me trying to chase my writer's block away. I just decided to share in the process.**

Bat out of hell/Vampire out of Denali, same thing. I was running for my life or should I say virtue. That crazy bitch, Tanya, was after my precious vampire boy cherry.

"Oh, Eddiekins. You can run, but you can't hide."

"Leave me alone, you evil succubus!"

Her evil laughter followed me into the night all the way back to my father's car.

By the time I made it back to Carlisle's Mercedes. The only place I could go _was_ home. Alice made sure of that. Home was the only place I would be safe from the greedy clutches of Tanya.

I was going to give that fairy freak sister of mine an ear full.

"Alice," I barked into my phone as I speed down the icy highway.

"Hey, asshole."

"How could you? Tanya tried to rape me!"

"Oh, Eddiekins. You are such a drama queen," she said with her best Tanya impersonation.

"This is not funny! That skank kneed my berries and nearly ripped my jeans off!"

"Good!" she shouted back.

"Excuse me. When did I go from being your favorite brother to public enemy number one? Why did you tell me it was safe to visit our cousins in Denali?"

"You made Mamma Esme cry," she replied indignantly before she hung up on me.

"Damn it!" Now the whole family would be out for blood. Ha! I'm cracking up. Seriously though. They would probably offer my cherry ass up to Tanya on a silver platter.


	3. La Tua Cantanta

La Tua Cantanta

**Seriously, this isn't me trying to infringe on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. This is me trying to chase my writer's block away. I just decided to share in the process.**

Unfortunately, Tanya wasn't the worst of my troubles. I now had to face the luscious Bella. Her siren blood called to me in a way words couldn't convey. She was la tua cantanta, my singer. Her blood literally called out to me in a melody so sweet it was all I could do not to devour her on the spot.

It killed me to think about that first day in biology when I almost lost everything I've struggle so hard to achieve.

_ I watched as the new girl, Isabella Swan, or I should say, Bella, walked up to introduce herself to Mr. Banner. He pointed out the only seat that was available, next to me._

_ It was no secret to me that Mr. Banner sported a boner for me nearly every day. The bastard had a fan on his desk he like to point in my direction. He like to watch the wind blow through my hair. Somehow this stimulated his sickafuck fantasies he harbored for me._

_ Unfortunately, when Bella walked in front of it, it was all I could do to stay planted in my seat. That girl was pure ambrosia. I wanted to sink my teeth into that lovely neck and drown myself in her essence. It was clear she was a demon summoned up from the pits of my own personal hell to ruin me._

_ I glared at her as she approached my table, smacking her gum like she didn't have a care in the world. She plopped down in the seat she was assigned to and turned her face to look at me. She met my glare with a smirk._

_ "Hey, loser. Didn't your momma ever tell you not to make ugly faces. Your face could freeze that way."_

_ I growled at her._

_ "Oh, I'm scared. Bite me, fucker." She pulled her hair down to veil her face from me while simultaneously flipping me the bird._

_ I spent the rest of class devising ways to lure her from the school so I could drink my fill of her. After all she did give me permission to bite her._


	4. Is That A Zucchini?

Is That A Zucchini?

**Seriously, this isn't me trying to infringe on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. This is me trying to chase my writer's block away. I just decided to share in the process.**

I knew what I had to do. There wasn't any other way but to face this head on. If I merely tried to avoid her I'd eventually crack and go charging to her house to drain her dry. It was better to desensitize myself to her delectable aroma.

Alice, my pocket pixie of a sister, swiped an article of clothing out of Bella's laundry basket to help me in that process.

"Panties? What the fuck, Alice?"

"Yep, I swiped them after she stripped down to shower. She was reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. I guarantee she creamed them real good." Alice waggled her eyebrows.

"What?"

"That should give you something to lust after other than her blood." She danced away with her evil bell-like laugh ringing behind her.

I wrinkled my nose in disgust, but out of curiosity I held the panties to my nose and took a long sniff.

"Oh!" I looked down at my crotch in wonder. For the first time in my entire existence I was fully aroused.

I did the only thing I could think of. I ran to my bedroom and stripped down to my underwear. From there, I laid on my bed staring at the tent in my boxer briefs.

Now what? I thought to myself right before Emmett barged into my room.

"Hey… Whoa… Is that a zucchini squash in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

"The fuck! Emmett, don't you ever knock?"

"Nope. I was gonna see if you wanted to wrestle, but I don't think you're in any condition. You wanna borrow one of my magazines?"

"What?"

"You know, to rub one out."

"No, I don't need a fucking magazine." They were probably covered in his jizz.

"It's cool. You got body lotion. That will lub you right up…feel real nice."

"Fuck off, Emmett!"

"He, he. Nope. You fuck off, Eddie. Bahahahaha!"


	5. Tedium Of Lunchtime

Tedium Of Lunchtime

** Seriously, this isn't me trying to infringe on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. This is me trying to chase my writer's block away. I just decided to share in the process.**

A week passed. After gorging myself on half the deer population in Forks, I finally felt strong enough to face my little demon girl. Unfortunately, thanks to Alice, I didn't know what was more tempting her blood or her pussy.

It was lunchtime, that is, it was lunchtime for the humans. Us vampires didn't have the luxury of walking up to the lunch lady and choosing between the bobcat or the venison. Yep, it was just another boring day in my self-imposed purgatory and us vamps had another twenty minutes to waste while the rest of the student body ate their fill of the swill de jour they insisted on calling lunch.

I was just about to fake a nap when the new girl walked in followed by Jessica Bitch-face Stanley. I hated that girl. She thought she was God's gift to jocks. The bitch told the whole school I was gay when I refused multiple offers of a sexual nature.

Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against gay people. Jeez, I was a vampire, I've killed people. Who was I to judge who someone loved. Anyway, I digress.

The new girl, Bella, after getting her lunch, sat down at a table across from Jessica. I watch in horror as Mike Labrador Newton slid in beside her, wrapping an arm around her back.

I growled. Glaring daggers at the little punk. I'd string him up by his entrails before I let him get his hooks into my Bella.

Something limp and greasy smacked me in the face.

I turned my glare at, Emmett. The fucker was throwing soggy fries at me.

"What?" I snapped so the giant nincompoop would ask his ridiculous question and leave me alone.

"So, what's the deets on the new chick? I can smell you have her panties in your pocket. What? You having show and tell in Mr. Banner's class after lunch?"

"What the… ALICE!"

"Aw, come on, Eddie. You know we don't keep secrets in our family," Alice said as she flipped me the bird while dancing off to throw her uneaten lunch away.

I stared back at the new girl trying to decipher what she was thinking. Alas, she was an enigma.


	6. It's Love!

Chapter 6

**Seriously, this isn't me trying to infringe on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. This is me trying to chase my writer's block away. I just decided to share in the process.**

"Edward Cullen's staring at you," the sniveling harpy whisper-yelled to Bella. I didn't need to have vampire hearing to hear Jessica's big mouth. Half the cafeteria was staring between Bella and I.

If that wasn't enough to prove my theory, Mike, el presidenta of the Peanut Gallery Club, decided to throw his two cents in. "He's looking at you as if you're something to eat."

Bella shrugged. "It _is_ lunchtime." Her eyes flashed to mine

and she smirked then licked her lips. _Bite me, fucker_, she mouthed and blew me a kiss.

"Oh. My. God. EDWARD, that is so disgusting," Rosalie commented on the brand new tent I was sporting in my khakis.

"She… She… I pointed to my demon girl." Oh why, oh why did I have to wear such loose fitting pants?

"Congratulations man." Jasper patted my back. I didn't actually think you could get it up. "That Bella girl's really doing a number on you. You should tell her how you feel."

"What? How does he feel, Jasper?" Emmett asked. Dumb ass.

"He LOVES her. Bahahaha," Jasper said, laughing hysterically at my expense.

Did I mention that I hate my siblings?

I looked up in time to see Bella, followed by her new puppy get up to clean her tray.

"Come on, Bella. Let me take you to the movies," Mike asked, wagging his tail behind him.

"Um… No," Bella stated simply.

"Why not?" he wined.

"Mike. I'm only going to say this once. I'm. Not. Interested. Now, beat it, kid and go wipe that drool off your chin."

My grin could not be contained. My demon girl had spunk.


	7. Sexy Geek Boy

**Seriously, this isn't me trying to infringe on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. This is me trying to chase my writer's block away. I just decided to share in the process.**

When I got to class there sat Bella smacking her gum, lounged back in her seat with her legs up, feet crossed, atop our table.

I walked up to her, determined to at least apologize to the girl. "Hello," I greeted nervously. "My name is Bella Swan, you must be Edward Cullen."

She flicked her eyes to me giving me her usual smirk. "Well, I'll be damn. The loser can speak. Too bad you got my name wrong." She grinned, showing off all her teeth.

I looked at her in sheer horror realizing my blunder.

"Aw… Don't get your panties in a twist. I'm just fuckin' with ya."

"I… I owe you an apology. I'm um… I'm sorry for being so rude to you…"

"Stop right there, sugar. I'm a snarky bitch on my best days. I was rude to you too, so don't sweat it."

"Is there a problem here, Mr. Cullen?" Mr. Banner asked as he passed out microscopes before the tardy bell.

"No sir, we're just talking."

"Take a seat, Cullen." I did as he requested as Mr. Banner walked up to his desk to turn his fan on.

"Hey, teach?" Bella addressed Mr. Banner. "You mind turning that fan off? Unless of course, you like staring at my frozen hard little nips." Bella pointed at said nips. I quickly thought to hide my crotch with my biology book.

"I… Um… Of course, Ms. Swan," Mr. Banner muttered, his ears turning red. He begrudgingly switched the fan off.

"Thanks, teach. You're the best."

"Now, Cullen," she turned to me, "lets discuss this sexy geek boy look you got goin' on today. You got glasses to go with that get up?"


	8. Demon, I mean, Damsel In Distress

**Seriously, this isn't me trying to infringe on Stephenie Meyer's Twilight. This is me trying to chase my writer's block away. I just decided to share in the process.**

Several days passed. I wasn't ignoring Bella per say, it's just that I felt so tongue tied around her for some reason. My sister sprite pestered me relentlessly to talk to her. She insisted that Bella was my one. I however, was still skeptical. We weren't even the same species.

Alice and I were in the parking lot waiting. For some unfathomable reason I felt compelled to wait here every morning until my demon girl arrived. Alice out of the kindness of her tiny fae heart was waiting with me.

"Edward!" Alice's eyes rolled back in her head. Another vision. Sigh. I watched her vision, annoyed at the prospect of seeing yet another Edward/Bella make out scenario. However, that wasn't what her vision was showing.

By the time her vision had run it's course it was already transpiring before my eyes.

"No! Not my demon girl!"

Tyler Crowley's van was slipping and sliding around the parking lot careening towards Bella's Truck with Bella standing in it's way.

Not even a second later I was pushing her out of the van's path. I cringed when I heard Bella's head hit the pavement.

"Oh damn, that hurt," she groaned.

"Bella?" I held her close to me, gently rubbing the back of her head, checking for damage.

"Stop, Clark. My head hurts." She must be delirious.

"No, Bella. I'm Edward. There's been an accident and you hit your head."

"Faster than a speeding bullet."

"Bella, I was standing right next to you."

"More powerful than a locomotive."

"What are you talking about, silly girl?"

"You're my Superman, Edward."


End file.
